Comment Wall
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| Typewriter, to get you in the writer's mood Link
Here is a link to my portfolio.
I hope you enjoy it.
Link:
https://sites.google.com/view/coffeeshopstories/home
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| Typewriter, to get you in the writer's mood Link
Here is a link to my portfolio.
I hope you enjoy it.
Link:
https://sites.google.com/view/coffeeshopstories/home
|
Hey Rhett! I read you "Man in the Moon" retelling and have some feedback for you.
ReplyDeleteFrom the beginning, I noticed creative describes that make your story more enjoyable. "...after 20 years of working with fire and steel..."
You had a pattern of three: Three days to reach the mountain, three days as a stone, but then you broke it with, "After a week...[as a mountain]..." I think you should make the amount of time consistent to either a week for all of them or three days for all of them.
Why did Michael choose to become a stone, mountain, and the Moon? Did he imagine himself becoming those objects while he was a blacksmith? Or were they simply the first things he saw before asking the Wise Man? How did Michael find love as the Moon? How was that love different compared to what he felt with the human townspeople?
I liked your shorter paragraph structure. It allowed me to read your story more easily.
Hi Rhett!
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I really like how genuine your home page is! It really gives a good introduction into how your stories are going to be portrayed.
I appreciate the imagery present in your story, "Rest: Retold", especially when you described the appearance of the wise man on the mountain "...sitting around a campfire, his face hidden under the hood of a long cloak, smoking a pipe". I thought that this introduced the character well and made him seem mysterious in his own way.
I liked that the ending of your story had a positive mood and that the blacksmith was happy, but I was slightly confused about the last few lines of your story. I was wondering how the blacksmith was able to talk to the people of Normanwood still, and what kind of love he found was. Was this love a romantic love, and would this affect his family? I think it would be beneficial to your story to elaborate a little more at the end, describing the details of the last few lines!
I hope this helps! Good job!
Hey Rhett! This was a solid introduction to your storybook, nicely done. I love the emphatic “much simpler” you used in the first paragraph. Your description of Michael was well-done. Will we get any more background on his past or why he chose to become a blacksmith? While reading I was curious why everyone in the village loved him. I like how you described his lack of satisfaction as feeling like he had “no choice” and “no peace.” These descriptions stood out and resonated with me. After he meets the wise man, you have Michael say “I apologize for cursing your name…” It confused me a bit why Michael would have cursed the wise man when days were hard. I really enjoyed the dialogue between these two though, and the development of what Michael ends up asking was really enjoyable to read. The happy ending was great to read! I expected a sad ending, so I’m glad Michael found some joy. Your author’s note was well-done, funny, and helpful!
ReplyDeleteHi Rhett!
ReplyDeleteI loved your take on the Man in the Moon, especially your ending! The main character actually choose to be the moon and had a happy ending. Like the story, you also explored the magic number three. The character was a stone, then mountain, and finally became the moon. There were some questions that came up while I was reading your post! Why did everyone in the town love him? Compared to the other careers at the time, why did he chose being a blacksmith over the other careers? Was he influenced by his family? Was his family also blacksmiths? The point about family also reminds me about his family back home. Did he forget about his real family when he became the moon? These questions I brought up could help you in more background and detail. These are just suggestions, and I hope I was able to help!
Hey Rhett! First off, I liked the design of your website. Your banner image is a pretty relatable one since we're doing quite a bit of typing this semester. I really enjoyed reading your introductory post. First of all, I like how casual your writing style is. I felt much more comfortable reading your story because it was so easy to follow. Your writing was very descriptive, and I was able to build this picture in my mind of what the blacksmith and his journey. Furthermore, there's several instances of foreshadowing in your story that kept me engaged throughout your post. I'm curious as to why your character specifically wanted to be a stone. It's definitely an interesting idea, but what about things that don't involve staying still all day long? Hopefully that suggestion helps. Overall, I thought it was a great first post, and I'm looking forward to seeing how the rest of your storybook develops!
ReplyDeleteHello Rhett!
ReplyDeleteOK! So I like the idea of a portfolio because you get to retell stories you have already written. It just so happens that I read your original man on the moon story so I was very excited to see you had rewritten it for your storybook. I think you did a really good job on adding more detailing and making the story flow smoother than the original version. You also gave more background to the main character and explained his motives better than in your first version of the story. I also really like how at the end you explained why the man had found peace by being the moon. I definitely think you will have a good portfolio on your hands by the time its all said and done. I can not wait to see how you develop this page more! Good job Rhett!
-Sam
Hi Rhett,
ReplyDeleteI just read your story "Does the Moon Rest?" I liked your introduction, starting with an ordinary realistic setting that people can relate to and then stating that things were about to change. I think it's a good way of capturing the attention of the audience. I also think you did a good job with detail in describing the blacksmith. There was also adequate backstory before going into the main content. One thing I wondered was how far away Mount Nova was? I think it could add more emotion to the story if the mountain was far away. In the part where Michael finally made it to the wise man, I think you could add some emotion by describing Michael's condition and how he felt when he finally got there. I think it's interesting that Michael put in so much effort and sacrifice to get to the wise man and be so quick to change his mind after being a mountain for a week. Also why would he want to be the moon when he already didn't like being lonely? Great story!
Hi Rhett,
ReplyDeleteMy favorite story in you portfolio thus far is Yamato. My favorite part about this story was that it was told by him. I really appreciate stories that have the main character as the narrator because it makes the stories much more personal. Also, I feel like when the main characters are telling their own story, the reader has a deeper understanding of what the actual character is like. In this particular story, I felt like based on Yamato's telling of his current life, he was a little bit sarcastic and I loved it. My only question while I was reading this story was whether or not Yamato truly did not want people to remember his past. In this story, he gives advice to other immortals about how to be normal, yet at the beginning of the story he was sad that no one remembered him or his legacy. Overall, this story was very interesting I wish it had a sequel!
Hello Rhett! Your retellings are well put and I really enjoy all the outside stories you bring into your storybook. I read that your favorite books are Name of the Wind and A Wise Man's Fear! Those are actually my favorite books too! That just made me really excited. Back on topic. Your first story with Yamato does a great job of sounding like Yamato is sitting in a coffee shop sipping his coffee and kind of let go of his thoughts. What if in your Yamato story you went into more detail about his immortality and the reasons why he has been forgotten? The people he has lost along the way? This way the reader can feel more deeply for him. When you tell the reader "Do not attempt to lead" maybe you could suggest more reasons why? What pain it has caused Yamato. Also you tell the reader to "not be a hero anymore" but then he applies to be a fireman, which is a pretty heroic occupation in our current era. Maybe you could suggest that the reader becomes a more modern day hero instead of the old ways? Also, again off topic. I know your brother Michael Mixon! I just thought that was kind of cool that you mentioned that. Your stories are very interesting. Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteHi Rhett!
ReplyDeleteIt was nice to pop over to your storybook ! I was initially very intrigued by the title, "Coffee Shop Stories," but after getting acquainted with the site I couldn't quite tell why this was the title. Are these stories somehow connected to a coffee shop? I didn't find a connection as I read through the stories, which left me wondering what the intention behind the title of the storybook was. Overall the layout of the website is easy to follow, and I like the images you have chosen. Below is some specific feedback about the story "Does the Moon Rest?"
-Nice descriptions in the beginning; I particularly liked "arms like oak."
-The detail seems to dwindle toward the end of the story. I'd be interested to hear more about why the blacksmith specifically requested to be changed into certain things.
-What was the "love" that he found as the moon? Are you referencing romantic love, or a general feeling of love?
-Having the line "thanks for reading" at the end breaks the fourth wall out of nowhere. I would personally leave this out, as I don't think it is necessary.
Hey Rhett!
ReplyDeleteI really love the flow of your Yamato story. It is so fun to read guides from characters, and the sincerity and intensity with which Yamato writes/speaks is really engaging. His voice is really modern, which makes the story fun and easy to read. I love that you used a bold font because it keeps the reader's attention and makes the story feel really important. "You do not want this", for example, is bolded. It's really jarring (in a good way!) to be casually reading and then realize how serious the character is. It also breaks up the story nicely.
You do such a great job of having Yamato not just give a guide but also tell his story. The anecdotes give each "rule" a place and ensures that they stick with the reader.
I also really loved the Rest: Retold story. I can't wait to see what else you end up adding because your writing style is super fun to read. Great job!
Hi Rhett,
ReplyDeleteI just read your Yamato story. I think it's pretty creative, one immortal giving words of wisdom to other immortals. I also like the character development in the story, showing how Yamato was once a great warrior but now had to adapt and fit in with modern times. At the beginning there's a mention of a mermaid and her being the reason why he wanted to be immortal. What happened to their relationship? It sounded like she was immortal as well so how come he isn't with her anymore? I also think that Yamato could talk about his past experiences in detail as to the reasons why he has those rules. For example, why would it be a bad thing for the people of Japan to know Yamato's identity? And what specific events in the past made Yamato determine he shouldn't be a leader? Anyway, I liked the story and I'm looking forward to reading more of them.
Hi Rhett!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading the two stories on your portfolio! Apart from a few grammatical errors here and there, your stories are written with a fantastic, clear voice, and they do a great job of drawing the reader in and making them interested in what you have to say. I particularly enjoyed the Yamato story's structure; it was such a different approach than most of what I've seen in the stories in this class, and it was so fun to read! I also like how you mentioned that the writing is influenced by books you've read (actually, it made me want to read the book you mentioned!). I also thought the addition of Yamato seeking purpose through modern acts of heroism was great, and I'd love to see that theme explored even a bit more. All in all, though, awesome job on the website. Good luck going forward, and I can't wait to see more of your stories!
Hello Rhett!! I really enjoyed the website you out together. It was a slight run from all the bright colored ones and it was a nice chill website to look around and read some of the writing. The website's pictures were very nice to look at and very calming. The stories did the same as well. It was as if it was in the mood of a coffee shop setting. The two stories that you had were pretty solid when I read them. The first story was a little confusing to begin but it was a really fun read. The character, Yamato, was awesome to see and hear from his perspective. I really love reading stories that come from a character's perspective and not from a narrator perspective. It gives be more of an image when I can see through the eyes of the main character and not an overarching third person perspective. One question I had is what happened to the relationship? I know it is a common question but I was so pumped for it and it went away. I am still trying to understand it all. Other than that it was a solid couple stories. One suggestion I had for you was that you could is to include a few lines on past perspectives that have influenced his rules that he has created. I am excited to see what comes next!!
ReplyDeleteHello,
ReplyDeleteI have to say that I love your homepage! I found it hilarious because I too have a major that has very little writing. I struggle with grammar and many things in English. As for your stories I have to say for someone who isn’t too fond of writing you did a very good job! I liked how in the story Yamato I could really connect with the character. It felt as though the character came to life by the way you expressed the characters thoughts. I also did not know about Yamato before I read your story. I found myself clicking the link you put for the original story to find out more. I also like what you did about the rules. It took me a couple seconds to figure out what they were there for and why you had them, but when I did I thought it was a great addition to the story.
Hello Rhett!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoy your portfolio! I have visited it once before and read your original man on the moon story so it was very interesting to see it revised. Your story about Yamato was also just as interesting. I really like your writing style I found it simple and very easy to read. The design of your portfolio as well is very easy to follow. I would maybe consider adding links to the homepage to your stories to make them more accessible to your readers you could also plug little descriptions of your stories there as well. Overall, I think your portfolio is interesting and a good reflection of your writing style and creativity. I will definitely be back here to check in and read more of the stories you come up with and create!
-Sam
Hi, Rhett! Nice to meet you! I’m excited to read your portfolio of “Coffee Shop Stories.” I think it’s a great setting that gives the reader an idea of where they can enjoy a variety of stories. I think you could expand on that idea in your introduction, if you wanted.
ReplyDeleteRegarding your take on “The Sword in the Stone,” I loved your personification of the sword itself. I never thought about looking from the perspective of an object, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. I loved how you characterized the sword at this bemused character (with a little bit of sass) that takes its wielder into great observation. Using a first person narrative strengthens the writing as a whole. Overall, well done!
I should mention that I had to manually navigate myself to your comment wall, so I think adding a link on you project website would be really beneficial. Otherwise, I’m excited to see the final edition of your portfolio!
Hey Rhett!
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I think it would be super beneficial for the reader (and the commenter) if you added a link to your comment wall on your home page. I probably looked for it on every page because I wasn't sure if I was just missing it or what but now that I'm reading the other comments I see that some other people had trouble with that too.
Besides that, I love all of the dialogue in your stories, and especially how the first two are told in first person just because I feel like writing in first person gives the reader great insight into the characters (or swords, lol) and their thoughts. I also like how you gave a little introduction on the first page, because I was curious if this was a storybook or a portfolio.
I did notice one typo on The Sword in the Stone's author's note - ....liked the story OF Arthur (you have "or"). But great job! I'm looking forward to reading the rest of your stories.
Hey Rhett! I really enjoyed your portfolio. After reading so many storybook projects (and making one myself) it was a really nice change of pace to get to look at a portfolio project instead. I liked how you picked different stories you liked from all kinds of cultures and compiled them-- even giving them more modern elements and perspectives. First off, I really like the layout of your website. It's very clean, and easy to read and follow along with. The pictures you've included are great too! Your writing is really nice as well. I like that you change some of the language you use between stories to make some more colloquial (like the sword) and some more formal (like the man in the moon). This week, we're supposed to mention author's notes as well. I think your author's notes do a great job of explaining what story you originally were using, and what you did to change that story. It really helps the reader make sense of the original myth and what modern elements were added. So great job, and keep up the great work!
ReplyDeleteHi Rhett,
ReplyDeleteI liked that you're giving us a range of different stories from different cultures. The sword and the stone had an interesting twist telling it from the point of view from the sword. It added some interesting perspective the readers couldn't get from the point of view from one of the other characters. I liked that you added that the sword appears when it's needed, I thought that was a good touch. The story about Yamato was well-written as well. I had read that story for one of my weekly readings and I think that you retold it well. I liked the aspect of making Yamato immortal and giving advice to other people of the immortal world. I also liked the play on words for Norman in your last story. Making Normanwood the setting of the town that the blacksmith lived. You've done a great job with your story telling overall, keep up the good work!
Hi Rhett! I think your project for this class is the first portfolio that I've read. It was refreshing to be transported to a new world every time I clicked onto the next story! I believe that your strength in writing comes from your creativity when choosing which perspective you want to write from. For example, in your first story "The Sword in the Stone" you chose to write from the perspective of the sword. I would've never thought to choose an inanimate object to be the narrator of a tale but it works so well in this context. This is also applicable to your second story "A Guide to Living in the Present" where you picked Yamato, an ancient Japanese hero to write a sort of advice column for those like him. I read this story before but it's so nice to see the updated version with the added details. The only suggestion I have is maybe coming up with a different title for your portfolio, one that more clearly ties these individual stories together. Great job!
ReplyDeleteHi Rhett,
ReplyDeleteThis week we are supposed to focus on the author's notes. First, I do want to say that I really like your stories and the overall feel of your site. Maybe you have a flair or writing the dramatic, after all. Your version of Arthur from Excaliber's perspective is brilliant.
As for the author's notes, I believe she wants a little more length describing each story decision. Or perhaps go into greater detail on the comparison of the stories by talking a little more about the original and it's background. I imagine that most readers won't follow the link to the original. So many help them fill in the blanks so your site can stand alone.
Good Luck.
Hey there Rhett! I just had the chance to take a look at your project for this semester and I liked it a lot! The overall theme of your site is really nice and I love that you decided to name it "Coffee Shop Stories." I was really excited to see that your first story was a prequel to the ever popular story of Alice in Wonderland. The mad hatter is one of my favorite characters, and so reading about your version of his background was lovely. The rest of your stories really followed suit, as you did such a fantastic job in keeping the reader interested. You have a very whimsical way of writing and your style makes it easy to connect as a reader. Your author's notes were really helpful and did a great job in describing why you did things the way you did. The different perspectives you gave were very well done. Great job overall and I wish you the best as the semester comes to a close.
ReplyDeleteHello Rhett!
ReplyDeleteI just revisited your portfolio and found a lot more stories than before! I read them all and I have to say I really like the Mad Hatter one. Giving such a famous character a new origin story is a great idea for a story. Also it is very original, I hadn't ever asked myself why is the Mad Hatter is mad but your story really added some perspective to the whole character. I also really enjoyed how you tied in the riddle "Why is a Raven like a Writing Desk?" As a child this riddle puzzled me for years and I always wanted to know the answer. Also, I went back and read your Moon story because I remember it being very interesting. It stood the test of time! I find it very well written and captivating. All of your stories are interesting and are easy to follow. Very well done Rhett!
-Sam
Hi Rhett! This was my first time visiting your portfolio. I'm a sucker for Alice in Wonderland, especially the Mad Hatter. I was excited to read your story about how he became the "Mad" Hatter. Needless to say, I loved it and I found it very interesting. You are definitely a talented writer. I did notice a minor typo : "The she turned around". I loved how the story was told in the voice of the hare. Another typo I noticed was in your author's note: " I don't know if it ever does explain why the hatter is made." In Alice and the Looking Glass, I think the hatter became mad because he thought the queen had killed his family. But I definitely love your version better! It adds a little more emotion in there, and I really enjoyed it.
ReplyDeleteHi Rhett! This was my first time visiting your portfolio. I'm a sucker for Alice in Wonderland, especially the Mad Hatter. I was excited to read your story about how he became the "Mad" Hatter. Needless to say, I loved it and I found it very interesting. You are definitely a talented writer. I did notice a minor typo : "The she turned around". I loved how the story was told in the voice of the hare. Another typo I noticed was in your author's note: " I don't know if it ever does explain why the hatter is made." In Alice and the Looking Glass, I think the hatter became mad because he thought the queen had killed his family. But I definitely love your version better! It adds a little more emotion in there, and I really enjoyed it.
ReplyDeleteRhett! We've made it!
ReplyDeleteI wanted to visit your portfolio one more time before we finish up this amazing class. I just read your retelling of "A Guide to Living in the Present" and I saw a few things that stood out to me. The first thing being the style of how you write these stories. These stories are told by someone who is talking directly to me. I feel as though when I read these stories they were written for me. This dialogue style of storytelling is very very fun to read. The next thing I saw was the way you put inflection on the words in your story. Some sentences were in bold typeface, letting the reader know that it was an important statement. This is a very helpful storytelling tool and it assisted my reading heavily. Great job.